more sports quotes

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of all the Clubs that we went to."

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I Want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the Upcoming season... "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
· Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
· Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with Promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "

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The Bread

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the please of one Senora Rodriguez that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," replied the offender's wife, nervously fingering her mantilla.
"Is he such a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

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A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

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Courting

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

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You know right away the band Barenaked Ladies is from Canada because if they were from Georgia, they would be called Buttnaked Women.

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A man is on a business trip in Houston and buys a really cool pair of snakeskin boots and can't wait to show them to his wife. Upon returning from his trip late the next evening, his wife is in the bathroom getting ready for bed. He quickly strips down naked except for his new boots and stands in the bedroom to wait for her. As his wife emerges from the bathroom, her husband asks, "Well, honey, do you notice anything special?" To which the wife replies, "Yeah, it's limp!"
"It's not limp!" exclaims the husband. "It's admiring my new snakeskin boots!"
"Next time buy a hat."

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Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he looks over through the streams of traffic ans he sees his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge looking down. It's pretty apparent that she's just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below.
Bruce slammed on the brakes and his car screeches to a halt. he bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doin babe'?"
Sheila turned around with tears welling up in her eyes and says, "Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant and and I don't want to be a burden so now I'm just gonna kill myself!"
Bruce got a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car when he heard this and says to her, "Sheila, not only are you a great fuck, but you're a good sport about it too!"

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The Onion (satire)

Jewish Texans Commemorate Holocaust... Texas-Style!

LUBBOCK, TX--The West Texas chapter of B'nai B'rith is holding a month-long series of events in remembrance of the Holocaust, commemorating the 20th century's darkest hour the way they do everything... Texas-style!

"If we do not remember the past, we are doomed to repeat it," said San Antonio Rabbi Leonard "Too Tall" Sussman at Sunday's opening ceremony, laying a wreath before the Lone Star Of David in front of B'nai B'rith headquarters in Lubbock. "The world was silent, and in silence lies complicity. Never again, y'hear?"

Added Sussman, "Yee-haw!" He then lit the ceremonial Eternal Flame, over which a spit will be installed for Wednesday's kosher steer cookout.

Among the highlights of Holocaust Hoedown '97: a Main Street parade featuring red, white and blue Texas blossoms spelling out "Don't Mess With The Jews"; a special appearance by six-time Zionist calf-roping champion Barry Lowenstein; and daily double-bill showings of Schindler's List and John Wayne's True Grit.

"Have we learned the lessons of the Holocaust?" asked Deborah Teitelbaum, director of Dallas' Museum of the Holocaust. "If the answer is yes, then how does one explain events in such places as Cambodia and Bosnia? What do we tell the orphaned child in Rwanda? And how 'bout them Cowboys!"

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Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, November 06, 1997

Lawyer 'oinks like a pig'

MEMPHIS, Tenn. (AP) -- A lawyer is suing his former partner, accusing the man of trying to run him out of the office by oinking like a pig, braying like a mule and yelling like a hyena.

George Rich and Gary Jewel still share the same office even though their law practice together collapsed more than a year ago.

Jewel said he isn't doing anything out of line, though he and his two assistants do try to keep a light atmosphere around the office.

"We horse around a little bit. There are some animal sounds we make occasionally," Jewel said Wednesday.

In his suit, Rich asks a court to decide how the former partnership's debts and assets, including the office lease, should be divided.

He also seeks unspecified damages for "intentional infliction of emotional distress," due to the alleged animal noises.

In the suit, Rich also accuses Jewel of displaying a "rotten, moulded, stuffed head of a huge wild boar" where visiting clients could see it.

Jewel said he did keep the boar's head around for awhile but took it home for Halloween. He denied it was rotten or moldy.

"Actually, he laughed about it too," Jewel said. "At one point he told somebody who came in the office that it was his former partner."