In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it-
"THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read-
"THOAP!"

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This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.
The married guy replied, "Great except for one problem, our sex life. Every time I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time."
The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple solution to that. the next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason that makes women get off."
Even though it was against his better judgement, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways. About 3 months later, by chance they met up again, and of course the guy is eager to find out what had happened. He replied, "Hey, is everything better on the home front?" The married man replied, "Not exactly!!! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I punched her in the stomach. She pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"

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Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The one who can carry 2 large coffees and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman in a nudist colony?
A: The one who can eat the last two donuts.

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A seventy-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand.Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."
He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

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What do you get when you cross a hooker with a systems engineer?
A fuckin know-it-all!

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The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr. Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote 'Three times a week' and your wife 'Three times a night'."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house."

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Peace in Our Time: "According to a recent survey, 35% of men think that sex is the perfect way to end an argument. You know what that means? Instead of sending Madeleine Albright to work out these Middle East agreements, we should be sending Madonna or Monica (Lewinsky)..."

_________________

There was a woman doing her dishes, and as she looked out the window she spied her little boy buck naked and just ready to mount the neighbor girl.
She ran outside and grabbed her son and brought him into the house while scolding him and telling him that "You can't do that, she's got teeth in there and she'll bite IT off."
Being as impressionable as little kids are, he went through his whole life believing what his mother had told him....
So, to make a long story short......
It was his wedding night, and his bride had gotten herself all dolled up, and was laying on the bed and said "Come on Honey, let's do it."
To which the groom replied
"Oh no, my Mamma told me that you've got teeth in there and you'll bite IT off."
So the bride lifted up her nightie, spread her legs, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and shoved his face in her crotch and said "Look, do you see any teeth down there?"
And the groom said "NO, and no wonder, look what shape your gums are in!

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The Onion (satire)

Doctors Say Reagan's Dementia Increasingly Hilarious

YORBA LINDA, CA--Doctors in charge of providing ongoing medical care for Ronald Reagan announced Monday that the former president--whose mental and physical health have deteriorated since he was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in April 1993--has entered a critical state of rapid decline, causing his condition to be "even more hilarious" than before.

"As Mr. Reagan's dementia has advanced over the last few months, and he has slipped further and further away from us, his status has been amusing, to say the least," said Dr. Gregory Wachter, head of the Reagan medical team. "However, recent progression of the disease into its advanced stages has made his overall condition markedly more severe and, I dare say, hilarious."

His face betraying genuine emotion, Wachter then related several side-splitting episodes of recent Reagan senility, including the former president's scrubbing his face and hands with scrambled eggs, his insistence that his table lamp had become pregnant, and his increasingly vehement demands to play "Mr. Horsey" with medical attendants.

"The fact that this particular patient was once the leader of the free world," Wachter added, "only reinforces the intense comedic impact of seeing him put both feet into the same leg of his trousers and then, attempting to stand up, pitch violently forward into the waiting arms of Secret Service personnel."

According to Wachter, physicians upgraded Reagan's condition from "amusing" to "very funny" last January, when he began referring to all friendly females as "pill lady" and threatening females as "Nancy." The move to "hilarious" was made late last week, Wachter said, when Reagan began brandishing his wrinkled, shrunken penis at visitors who attempted to smoke in his presence, shouting, "Fire engine! Fire engine!" and voiding a brief dribble of urine in their direction.

"Sadly," Wachter said, "it appears to be only a matter of time before Mr. Reagan's condition reaches the "uproarious" stage.

Dr. Emil Gwertzmann, chief neurologist at UCLA Medical Center and a longtime member of the Reagan medical team, said that difficulty breathing, inability to speak and convulsions are just some of the symptoms associated with watching Reagan attempt to hold arms-reduction talks with a bag of Fritos.

"A sharp, stabbing sensation in the ribs can also be a side-effect of watching one of the most dominant political figures of the 20th century address a folding chair as 'Edwin Meese,'" Gwertzmann said. "It can be quite painful."

Reagan, when asked about his condition, denied any knowledge of the funds' diversion to the Contras and called for his favorite blue pillow.

"If the nation's air-traffic controllers do not return to work within the next 24 hours, they will be fired," Reagan said. "Hello, pretty little birds. Hello!"

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Hey Martha (true)

Friday, November 28, 1997

Nude dance teachers nixed

ORLANDO, Fla. (AP) -- A dance studio found one way to keep students interested: nude teachers.

At the Silver Spurs Dance Studios, the Achy Breaky Heart and the Water Melon Slide were taught by instructors dressed in cowboy boots, spurs and nothing else.

Unfortunately, the teaching style also brought the attention of town officials, who passed an ordinance that pulled the business's license.

Now Silver Spurs wants a federal judge to override the town ordinance.

U.S. Magistrate David Baker did not immediately rule on Silver Spurs' request. But he said Tuesday he is concerned about a Palm Shores ordinance used to shut down the dance studio in 1995, saying it's too vague and gives town leaders too much power.

"This ordinance isn't careful. The town has a right to pull a permit on anybody it wants to put out of business," Baker said.

The 1981 ordinance allows the town 10 miles north of Melbourne to yank the business license of any establishment that officials think violates the health, safety and welfare of the community.

Town attorney Michael Kahn said the town isn't targeting any type of business.

He said the reason Silver Spurs lost its license because it jeopardized the town's welfare by committing fraud on its application -- specifically, not informing the town that its dancers would be teaching in the buff.