I dreamt last night that we were at war with Iraq. Iraqi bombers were flying overhead and I was worried about what Suddam Hussein would do. Then, hundreds of parrots dropped on to the roof of my house. Their strong beaks started to tear the tiles to shreds. Rain was forecast for tomorrow and my house would be flooded.
I suddenly realized that the parrots were Suddam's secret weapon . . .
Iraqi Parrot Roofers. They had been dropped by parrot chute.

_______________________

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your
recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of
compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.

Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of
how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will
soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Bill Clinton

P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.

_______________________

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realised that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I told him no, that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

_______________________

KIDS' INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
· Patrick, Age 10

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
· Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
· Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
· Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
· Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
· Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.
· Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes.
· Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
· Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
· Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
· Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
· Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
· Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.
· Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
· Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
· Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.
· Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
· Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do.
· Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
· Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
· Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
· Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
· Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake. Go for the icing!
· Cynthia, Age 8

_____________________

Sermons

It was Christmas night, and the pastor's wife dropped into an easy chair saying, "Boy! Am I ever tried."

Her husband looked over at her & said, "I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, & give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?"

"Dearest," she replied, "I had to listen to all of them."

______________________

The Onion (satire - well "Duh!")

November 18, 1998

Death Star to Open Day Care Center

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care center, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by June 1.

"Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Center,"the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms, outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no other facility can match its awesome instructive power."

Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine Death Star Center is already up and running. Among the most popular activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead.

"Feel your hatred flow through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she energetically chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the outside of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!"

Disaster was narrowly averted last Friday, when the center took a field trip to the nearby planet Bespin. At the end of the day, minutes into the shuttle ride back to the Death Star, adult chaperone Darth Vader locked eyes with 4-year-old Matthew Schumpert. "Wait," said Vader, probing deep into the child's mind. "There is another Schumpert."

Vader sensed the presence of Katie Schumpert, Matthew's sister, who was still back at the Bespin gift shop purchasing souvenirs. He ordered the shuttle to turn around and averted an embarrassing situation for the new day care facility.

Vader later added: "Join me, parents looking for a safe, dependable child care alternative, and together we will rule the galaxy."

In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities, children at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Center have already gotten to witness the destruction of several planets out the center's giant bay window.

Last Friday, in the middle of a coloring activity, the planet Alderan was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed the devastating power of the battle station. The sole exception was Libby Phelps, 3, whose family was vacationing in Alderan at the time of its destruction. She was frightened by the loud explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her mother, father and younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite squadron of imperial guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the room and giving her some ice cream treats to calm her.

According to Death Star officials, the idea for the center sprang up after a number of parents complained about the lack of quality, affordable child care options on the Death Star.

"As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day care center," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing environment, one in which my child will learn."

Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to work because I couldn't afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to operate a tractor beam with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"

As excited as most are about the new day care center, a few extremists have expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's reactor core.

"There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small rebel ship were to somehow break through the deflector shield and enter the shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor core with a single, well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space station."

Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as "a million to one."

_____________________

Hey Martha (true)

Thursday, December 04, 1997

Prison holds spelling bee

PENDLETON, Ind. (AP) -- Some prisoners here are minding their P's and Q's -- and all the other letters of the alphabet.

Twenty inmates at the Pendleton maximum-security prison are prepping for a spelling bee.

"We want (the inmates) to be able to do some of the same things they'd have done if they'd stayed in the public schoolsystem," prison teacher Peggy Gisler told The Daily Ledger of Fishers, Ind., in a story published Wednesday.

The contest is part of an annual spelling bee sponsored by Topics Newspapers of suburban Indianapolis, and scheduled for Dec. 17-18. The 20 inmates will stay at the prison and compete only among themselves.

Each speller will receive a certificate, and Gisler hopes to get other prizes, such as soft drinks.