this one courtesy of Joe in Calgary

Iraqi TV listings

MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
0:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
8:30 - "When Kurds Attack"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Me"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses"
9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
8:30 - "Only Our Will and Grace From God Can Keep Us From Touching Each Other"
9:00 - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek
10:00 - "Matlock"

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The common symptoms of Swine Flu are:
High fever, upset stomach, occasional cramps
and an irresistible urge to screw in the mud

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Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty-five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.
"It's this, your honor," answered Ole. "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."

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"Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next." - Franklin P. Jones

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On a sign outside a second-hand shop:

We Exchange Anything-Bicycles, Washing Machines, Etc.
Why Not Bring Your Wife Along And Get A Wonderful Bargain?

_________________

Q. How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?

A. A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says, We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

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Coffee 23

Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures:
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz:
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal ™:
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of The Starbucks:
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over. Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Mocha's forever.
Amen

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The Onion (satire)

New York To Install Special "Infants Only" Dumpsters

NEW YORK--As part of his ongoing campaign to revitalize New York City's public image through a citywide clean-up effort, mayor Rudolph Giuliani announced Monday the installation of special "infants only" dumpsters throughout the greater New York metropolitan area.

It is hoped that the new dumpsters will provide a convenient, germ-free baby-dumping option for low-income single mothers, enabling them to abandon their unwanted infants in a tidier, more health-conscious manner than before.

The new, clearly labeled dumpsters are also expected to make it significantly easier for city workers to collect and sort the estimated 25,000 babies placed in New York-area trash receptacles each year.

"By providing these mothers with a safe, convenient receptacle for unwanted babies, instead of requiring them to deposit them along with garbage of other types, New York is saying, 'Yes, we care,' Giuliani told reporters at a City Hall press conference.

While the infant-dedicated dumpsters will cost an estimated $220 million to install and maintain, Giuliani is confident they will more than make up for their cost in the long run. "Babies deposited in the new dumpsters will be collected, tagged and redistributed in a far more organized manner than those left in traditional multi-use dumpsters or garbage cans," Giuliani said. "This will greatly reduce the strain on our city's already sorely overtaxed human-services and child-welfare departments, saving millions over the long haul."

The new devices will also make it easier for city sanitation workers to separate recyclable metals, paper and plastics from non-recyclables, a task that, until now, was needlessly complicated by the presence of human children among the materials to be reclaimed.

Among the new dumpsters' many impressive features, according to the mayor: a unique soundproof design which minimizes the high-volume, panicked wails of infants crying out in desperation for their parents' return, and a patented, easy-to-clean design that requires only periodic hosings to flush out accumulated waste.

"These dumpsters' revolutionary 'E-Z Kleen' design will greatly reduce the amount of time abandoned infants will have to lie helpless in their own urine, vomit and fecal matter," Giuliani said. "It will also reduce the risk of cockroach infestation in the open wounds the newborns will likely develop, as well as the risk of injuries caused by maggot bites and rat attacks."

Mayoral aide Edwin Steep was equally enthusiastic. "With these new receptacles, a projected 17 percent fewer abandoned babies will be blinded by rats, which tend to attack the soft, vulnerable eye sockets of human infants first," he said.

Furthermore, Steep said, a large, bright-pink smiley-face decal affixed to the inside lower lid of the dumpsters will help reduce the intense and potentially psyche-shattering abandonment trauma experienced by pre-verbal human infants whose parents leave them to die.

"Regular dumpsters are not equipped with this added smiley-face feature," Steep said.

According to Giuliani, the elimination of infants from regular city dumpsters will have an added bonus, creating more dumpster-based, no-cost housing for the city's estimated 400,000 homeless residents, many of whom rely on the heat produced by decomposing organic waste for shelter and survival during New York's often brutal winters.

"By clearing dumpster space of babies, we are opening up vast new living spaces for the urban poor," Giuliani said. "And that's something we can all feel good about."

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Hey Martha (true)

Wednesday, November 26, 1997

Turkey Olympics canceled

WARREN, Conn. (AP) -- There will be no Greta Gobble, Tom Turkey Cruise or Arnold "The Turkey-Nator" Schwarzenegger competing for the best-dressed award this Thanksgiving.

The Turkey Olympics, an annual event featuring high jumps and nicest-legs contests, has been canceled amid persistent protests from animal rights activists.

Each year for the past 19 years, The Inn on Lake Waramaug hosted the event on its front lawn. Up to 1,000 people would watch two dozen turkeys compete in athletic events and beauty contests. Last year, a turkey wearing a fur coat and pearls won the best-dressed contest as "Greta Gobble," a feathered lookalike for the elusive 1930s screen siren.

But the gobbling and strutting has come to an end. Inn owners said animal rights protests posed safety problems. Four protesters were arrested last year.

"We don't want to have to have the police here. That's not what the event is about," inn manager Arnold Villarreal said Tuesday. "It's for the kids, and all the kids loved it. ... We do not harm the animals whatsoever."