January 1, 2000

Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing

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Moshe Kohn opens a Kosher restaurant in London and puts a notice in the window "ARABS NOT WELCOME".

A couple of days later, a person of obviously Arab origin walks in and requests a sandwich - so the cashier quickly runs into Moshe's office asking what to do. Moshe decides that he really doesn't want a scandal, so he says "OK, give him the sandwich, but charge him double - that should teach him."

No sooner said than done.

But the next day the same Arab is back again - this time for a full lunch. Moshe decides "Charge him triple, he'll get the lesson this time!"

The Arab eats his lunch, pays without a quibble, praises the food and even asks for a reservation for 10 of his friends for the same evening.

Moshe decides "OK, let him have the reservation, but if his friends do come, charge them tenfold!"

The Arabs appear in the evening, have a large dinner, pay without complaining and even tip generously.

So the next day Moshe puts a new sign in the window:

"JEWS NOT WELCOME."

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I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

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In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

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How can you tell if there is an Irishman at a cockfight?
He enters a duck.

How can you tell if there is a Polishman there?
He bets on the duck.

How can you tell if there is an Italian there as well?
The duck wins.

__________________

Men and Women

· A man walks over to a vision of loveliness at a party and sez, "Excuse me, could I interest you in breaking up my marriage ?"
- - - - -

· A woman visits her husband's office and meets his secretary who looks like a former PlayMate of the Month. "Nice to finally meet you." she said. "My husband has told me so little about you."
- - - - -

· Times have changed drastically in the relationships between men and women. These days, when a man gets upset with his wife, he goes to his club. In the days of the cavemen, he just reached for it.
- - - - -

· Pity poor Mary. She found the man of her dreams, but being a strict Catholic, she refused to marry him unless he converted to her religion. The young man started attending classes.
Now Mary's back on the dating scene again-seems her young man decided to become a Priest.
- - - - -
· Two buddies were having a few before they went home and the conversation turned to their wives. One said to the other, "I find my wife entertaining."
"Gee... that's great." replied his drinking buddy. "Wish I could say that."
"Yeah ? Well... you wouldn't think it was so great if you found her entertaining every damn time you went in the door."

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The Onion

Nazi SS Cemetary Desecrated By Pro-Semetic Graffiti

DARMSTADT, GERMANY--Residents of this quiet Rhineland city awoke Monday to discover that Heinrich Himmler Memorial Cemetery, the final resting place of over 200 Nazi SS Officers who gave their lives for Germany in World War II, had been desecrated during the night with pro-Semitic graffiti.

"This is horrible, simply horrible," said a tearful Grete Brautig, who found the headstone of her grandfather, Waffen-SS Oberlieutenant Otto Brautig, defaced with a spray-painted Star of David. "Why would anyone want to do such an awful, hateful thing to my grosspapa, a man who loved and fought for his country?"

According to Darmstadt police, sometime between the hours of 1 and 6 a.m., unknown persons vandalized the grave markers of dozens of prominent SS men with pro-Semitic graffiti, including Jewish stars and slogans like "Chosen People" and "Next Year In Jerusalem."

It is believed to be the worst pro-Semitic crime in Darmstadt history.

"You must understand, the Star of David is an incredibly painful symbol for my people," said former Hitler Youth member Conrad Steuben, 67, whose father, SS-Unterscharführer Erich Steuben, was buried with full military honors at Darmstadt in 1945. "It stands for the destruction of us and everything we believe in. Seeing it scrawled across those gravestones reopens many deep wounds."

"I thought we had put pro-Semitism behind us here in Darmstadt," Steuben said. "But I suppose old prejudices die hard."

Darmstadt police, working closely with the Nazi Anti-Defamation League, are committed to bringing the perpetrators to justice.

"This sort of hate crime must not be tolerated," police chief Klaus Meine said. "We will do everything in our power to find the Jews responsible for this."

The vandalism is not the first incident of pro-Semitism to occur in Darmstadt. In 1991, a group of Zionists marched through the streets of the city, waving Israeli flags and chanting in Hebrew. City leaders filed a court injunction in an effort to block the march, but the Zionists, defended by the German Civil Liberties Union, won.

"I will never forgive the GCLU for defending the Zionists," Steuben said. "I am all for free speech, but that crossed the line."

Support for the people of Darmstadt has poured in from across Germany in the form of letters, donations and personal visits from political figures.

"Once more, Germans have become the victims of hatred, prejudice and intolerance," said former Austrian president Kurt Waldheim in a speech given in the Darmstadt town plaza. "This incident serves as a reminder that we must remain vigilant about preserving the memory of the four million Germans who died during World War II, so that similar tragedies can be prevented in the future. Never again."

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Hey Martha

Wednesday, November 19, 1997

First-grader busted for sharing lemon drops

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. (AP) -- A six-year-old boy has been suspended for half a day for bringing "drugs" to school -- lemon drops bought in a health food store.

The fire department and an ambulance were called after a teacher found first-grader Seamus Morris giving the candies to a fellow pupil on the playground Oct. 29, said his mother, Shana Morris.

She said both boys' parents were urged to take their children to the hospital for tests, despite her assurances the lemon drops were harmless.

John Bushey, an administrator at Taylor Elementary School, said the half-day suspension was consistent with the district's drug policy, which treats unfamiliar products as controlled substances.

Morris called the response "complete hysteria," adding in today's edition of the Denver Post, "I can't believe these people are educating our kids."