Murphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

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"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."
"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."
The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.
And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.
Then inspiration strikes-he drops one pill into his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need... a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..."

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An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

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A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.
The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription:
"Here lies my wife.....cold as ever"
Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription:
"Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"

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Our neighbor, a not to bright, woman got a new job working in a sperm bank. We ran into her about a week after she started her new job and asked her what she did.
She said "Well, I just sit in the reception area and great all the men who come in. It's mainly men. Women never come in there. And I act cordial. And I point out to the men where they should go. And when they come out, I say, . . . 'Thank you for coming.'"

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In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are The latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to Become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine, All Mine.

Knott's Berry Farm and the National Organization for Women merge to become Knott NOW.

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The Onion (Satire)

Heroic PETA Commandos Kill 49, Save Rabbit

NORFOLK, VA--In what has been dubbed the most "devastating and brutal siege in the history of animal-rights activism," an elite, paramilitary squad of commandos from People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals (PETA) attacked and killed 49 employees at Couture Cosmetics' Norfolk, VA, research facility while saving a rabbit during a daring midnight raid Monday.

"Never in my life, not even during my tour of duty in Korea, have I seen such carnage," tearstruck Couture CEO Herman Frankel said, surveying the carnage. "My God, what will I tell the families of the victims of this massacre?"

According to the handful of survivors of the raid, Couture workers were first immobilized by gunshot wounds to the knees before being shot execution-style in the back of the head. PETA officials assured that no animals were harmed during the destruction of the complex.

The rabbit, a floppy-eared, speckled gray longhair with an adorable pink nose, was being used by Couture as part of an eyeshadow-allergy research project at the time of the rescue.

"Look at the cute bunny," said PETA commando Shirley "No Mercy" Dorn, a Norfolk-area petcare volunteer and leader of the PETA strike force. Lovingly cradling the rescued rabbit as she walked past the charred and dismembered bodies of its captors, she added, "Look at his nose! Look at his nose!"

In addition to the 49 executed, some 150 other animal researchers were savagely beaten. "They're lucky they escaped with their lives," PETA field marshall Donna "Skull" Saunders said. "Those who survived with only severed limbs got off too easily. They were probably putting itchy-powder in Flopsy's big, beautiful eyes."

Adressing the rabbit, Saunders continued: "Who's got a little powder-puff tail? Who? Who? Oh, yes, you do! Oh, yes, you have a furry little puffy-tail!"

She then fed the rabbit a carrot, causing its adorable pink nose to wiggle up and down, up and down as it chewed, making cute little chewy-faces.

In a statement released Tuesday, Couture Cosmetics maintained that, though the rabbit in question was being used for research purposes, the company has adhered to a strict "cruelty-free" policy since 1992, and that the rabbit was "at no time subjected to any pain or discomfort."

"That old line? Don't try handing us that," Saunders said in response. "Those filthy barbarians probably were sticking Mr. Bunny with needles and all sorts of things. They were human garbage who got exactly what they deserved: swift, merciless extermination at the hands of trained professionals."

Turning her attention to the rabbit, she added, "Didn't they? Didn't they?"

In addition to liberating the rabbit, PETA commandos seized an office-cubicle plaque with a picture of a panda bear and the words, "I Hate Mondays."

"Look at Mr. Panda-Tummy," PETA operative Warren "Death's Head" Pleth said, holding the plaque. "Look at Mr. Fatty-Fat Panda Man."

An attempt by the families of the Couture Cosmetics victims to bury their loved ones was met with equally savage resistance from PETA commandos, who strafed the mass funeral procession with machine-gun fire before spraying the cemetery with explosive flaming phosphorous gel, scattering the assembled mourners and killing seven.

"The holes they were digging in the ground threatened to disturb the habitat of a native population of moles," an official PETA statement read, "Moley moley, mole mole. Are you a little digger? Oh, yes, you are!"

On Tuesday, PETA officials supervised the rabbit's release back into the wild where, within minutes, it was chased down, torn to pieces and fully devoured by a fox.

Despite the extreme cruelty of the fox attack, PETA officials have no plans to take action against the animal. "Foxes are lovable furry forest friends," PETA president Joy MacInnis said. "Not like the hairless, human, animal-hating scum who so richly deserve to get their skulls smashed in with the back end of an automatic weapon."

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Hey Martha (True)

Thursday, November 06, 1997

Japanese add U.S. horse shampoo to their shopping lists

TOKYO (AP) -- Lucky Kentucky, an American-made shampoo for horses, has become all the rage among young Japanese women.

"Japanese are the most trend-conscious people in the world," said importer Shizue "Suzie" Shimizu. "Besides, who doesn't want their hair to shine like a thoroughbred's coat?"

The latest American fad to hit Japanese shores has sold nearly a million bottles since its debut in the spring last year -- and has spawned several Japanese competitors.

The scents and formulations vary, but all are marketed in the image of the Star and Stripes and the American wild west.

A spokesman for Lucky Kentucky says the success of the product in Japan -- though not expected -- was a natural.

"It works extremely well in the Oriental-type straight hair," said Richard Kaitz, executive vice president of the Minneapolis, Minn.-based Miriam Collins Palm Beach Laboratories. The privately held company produces 300,000 bottles of its green, apple-scented horse shampoo a month, shipping about one-fifth of that to Japan.

Masami Suzuki, a saleswoman at House of Rose's Tokyo Station shop, said housewives and female office workers were the shampoo's primary customers.

"But we get an occasional businessman, too," she said.

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Rising D.C. Pizza Index indicates war

WASHINGTON - The pizza index indicates military action is imminent in the gulf, a Domino's delivery official said today.

Record numbers of late-night pizza deliveries have been made to the White House, Pentagon and State Department, said Frank Meeks, owner of several Washington-area Domino's outlets. Similar patterns came immediately before the invasions of Panama and Grenada, he said.

The record for late-night deliveries to CIA headquarters came the night before Iraq invaded Kuwait last August, Meeks said.