A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

_________________

"I cannot go to school today"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.

"I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox

And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke

My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My' pendix pains each time it rains.
My toes is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a silver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There's a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is - What?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is .......Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play!"

_____________________

Six Times the Size

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."

With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

___________________

Love On The Road

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."

___________________

The Onion

U.S. "Sends Message" to Iraq With Massive Display of Beefcake

In a move designed to send a "definite message to the Hussein regime," President Clinton yesterday deployed three divisions of elite American beefcake to maneuver on the exotic, sun-drenched beaches of the Persian Gulf.

The decision, made in response to recent Iraqi U.N. violations and continued aggression against the Kurds, should put serious international pressure on Iraqi leadership, and is expected to heat up the Arabian sands like never before.

"While, technically, these deployments are merely training exercises, the thump of the disco beat and mouth-watering pectoral flexing and unflexing of these heavenly hunks will no doubt carry a very serious message to the miltary command at Baghdad," Pentagon spokesperson Stephen Galderman said. "That message is clear: One, the United States will not stand for continued Iraqi military expansion, and two, it's raining men."

Galderman later added, "Hallelujah!"

It is hoped that the rock-hard show of U.S. muscle, known to insiders as "Dreamboat Diplomacy," will deter further Iraqi attacks against Kurd encampments to the north, distracting Saddam Hussein and his top military advisors with the chiseled, oiled perfection of American hunkdom.

"My staff and I feel confident that this beefcake is USDA grade-A prime," Clinton told reporters. "Mmm-mmmm!"

While the skies overhead twinkle with the stars of the desert, the twinkling in the eyes of these luscious U.S. lads are sure to have all of Iraq seeing stars of their own. But will Hussein get the message?

Many observers feel the answer is yes. "With his thick mustache and dark features, Saddam Hussein cuts a strapping, manly figure, there's no denying it," said Sen. Clayton Jennings (R-FL), Chair of the Committee on Foreign Policy. "But let's face facts. The man's certainly no match for adorable Anton or great, big Burt."

Marvin Balcombe, head of the prestigious National Foreign Policy Institute in Washington, DC, agreed. "Hussein's continued aggression against the Kurdish people demands a firm response," he said. "And I'm tellin' you right now, you don't get any firmer than this, baby. Six-foot-four, 200 pounds, rippling biceps, washboard abs. We're talking about a muscleboy militia on a mission to ecstasy."

The decision to mount the beefcake display could not have come at a more opportune time. Prolonged economic sanctions against Iraq have left many Iraqis unable to stay as pumped-up as they once were, and their confidence in their appearance is sure to be weakened. It is believed that nearly 70 percent of Iraq's soldiers feel insecure about their looks, especially in a bathing suit. After today's ultra-manly display, they will, U.S. strategists hope, think to themselves, "How can I ever possibly compete?"

But despite the overwhelming support, the deployment is not without its detractors. Still-alive Sen. Jesse Helms (R-NC) strongly condemned the beefcake move, calling the hunky strutters "evil succubi, tempting me into a wicked wonderland of unnatural sins against God, filled with exciting, terrible perversions too arousing to describe."

Helms, visibly affected by the gyrating smorgasbord of man-flesh, led the Senate in a prayer for strength and resolve in this crisis. He then bathed repeatedly.

Some Middle East experts are questioning the mission as well. "The cultural differences between the two nations may render a beefcake assault ineffective," said Aftab Hourani of the Arab Nations Focus Commitee, a Harvard-based think tank. "After all, in fundamentalist Islamic cultures, male exotic dancers are traditionally required to remain covered at all times in flowing black robes that cover them from head to toe, and must remain motionless below the neck."

"It is an unfortunate possibility," Hourani continued, "that the strong warning indicated by the presence of these hearty slices of eye-popping man-candy, as seen on hit shows like Donahue and Sally Jessy Raphael, as well as in live appearances with the Chippendale's dance revue, will not be taken seriously."

__________________

Hey Martha

Wednesday, November 19, 1997

Mayor bans contraceptives in Brazilian city to increase tax money

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil (AP) -- The mayor of a southern Brazilian city banned contraceptives Tuesday in what he said was a novel way to raise tax money.

Mayor Elcio Berti said he hoped to increase the population of Bocaiuva do Sul, 650 kilometres southwest of Rio de Janeiro, by banning the sale of condoms and birth control pills.

The level of state and federal funding guaranteed to cities is based on population, which Berti said has dropped sharply in Bocaiuva do Sul over the last two decades.

Berti shrugged off criticism the ban would lead to a rise in sexually transmitted diseases, claiming instead it would stimulate marital fidelity.

Under Brazilian law, the mayor has wide latitude in the type of decree he can issue, but its legal status is open to challenge.