The Car
(Supposedly True story...)

My grandmother lives in Hermanus. Recently, a friend of hers, a woman about 55 years old, was out shopping. When she returned to her car, there were 6 black men sitting in it. Being the kind of fiesty woman who packs a gun for emergencies, she whipped it out and yelled, "I know how to use it, and I'm quite prepared to. Get out!!!"
The men shat themselves, and bailed.

The woman then got into the car, and to her confusion, the key wouldn't fit in the ignition. Wrong car. Not hers. Oops.
Realising her little faux pas, she thought she better report her mistake at the Police Station. Which she did. When she told the officer on duty the story, he wet himself laughing. And when he could speak again, he pointed at the 6 terrified black men sitting at the other end of the room.
Six men who'd just reported being hijacked by an elderly white lady.

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Process of Elimination

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again.
"Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."
He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.
"Yep, it's working," he concluded.
The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

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A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

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LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent-or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

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The Onion

Sudanese 14-Year-Old Has Midlife Crisis

AD DUWAYM, SUDAN--Though it may often seem that way, Americans don't hold the patent on middle-age malaise. Just ask Sudan's Kutum Malakai.

Just like many people here in America, Malakai is going through a deep midlife crisis. A retired Sudanese Army captain and father of three, the 14-year-old Malakai says he is often left feeling listless and depressed by the thought that half his life is behind him.

"I've really accomplished most of my life goals, so what is there to look forward to?" Malakai says. "I've built my hut. I've built a family. Soon, my children will be conscripted into the army, and the house will be empty. Is that it? Is that all there is?"

Malakai remembers his own military career as a time of adventure, strongly contrasting the boredom and dissatisfaction he feels today.

"I spent two years in the Sudan People's Liberation Army. There, I attained the rank of captain, traveled to foreign deserts, and ate almost daily. It seems like only yesterday I retired with honors, though it was, in fact, almost three years ago. If only I could somehow return to that wonderful, exciting time."

"Where have the days gone?" Malakai asks. "Just a few years ago, my son Ngoba was born. Now, he is about to graduate from the first grade and head out into the world."

In an effort to recapture his lost youth and vitality, Malakai has entered what experts term a "second childhood" phase, extravagantly spending large amounts of money on vanity items.

"Last week, I bought a hoe with a metal tip," Malakai says. "The week before that, I traded in my dark blue shirt for a brighter green one. Next, I'm considering buying a brand-new sportscart for my ox."

According to Sudanese psychologist Jibal al-Muglad, Malakai's behavior is not unusual. "Many middle-aged Sudanese males, usually around the age of 14 or so, start reverting to the behavior of their youth," al-Muglad says. "Largely, this is done to counter oncoming signs of middle age, such as increased height or a cracking voice. Much of this behavior is harmless, but other manifestations can put a strain on a marriage, especially if the man becomes wistful for the sexual freedom of his youth."

Indeed, Malakai speaks of a malaise that has crept into his two-year marriage. "I see my wife growing old just like myself, and I feel depressed," he says. "I think the magic really started to go out of the relationship when she began menstruating."

Malakai confesses to flirting with some of the younger women in his village. "There is a 10-year-old who drinks from the same well as me, and we frequently giggle and make eyes at each other," he says. "I must admit, it is very tempting. I love my wife, but her hip bones are already starting to widen to facilitate childbirth. I find it increasingly difficult to resist the lure of an illicit February-March romance."

"Before long, I will be in my 20s, and the end will be imminent. What then? What will it have all been for?" says Malakai, sighing deeply. "Life is much too short."

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Hey Martha

Wednesday, October 22, 1997

Dutch 'furniture terrorist' gets eight months in prison

EINDHOVEN, Netherlands (AP) -- A 64-year-old woman dubbed the "furniture terrorist" for wandering through showrooms and slashing sofas with a razor has been sentenced to eight months in prison.

The woman, identified only as Lucia R., often slashed a Zorro-like "Z" into furniture. She was sentenced Tesday by a judge who said he had no choice but to incarcerate her in a special psychiatric prison unit.

Police said she caused an estimated $500,000 worth of damage in a six-year spree, bicycling to furniture shops across the southern Netherlands and northern Belgium where she plunged her knife into cushions and carved up tabletops.

She was arrested in April after an Eindhoven furniture store employee recognized her from a photo that had been circulated among furniture shops.

Authorities also suspect her in a fire that was set in another furniture store.