The solemn-faced man entered the diner and took the lunch counter stool next to mine. The smiling waiter greeted the new customer and asked if he'd like the daily special.
"What is it?" queried the unsmiling newcomer.
"Beef tongue sandwich," the waiter replied, still smiling.
With the most disgusted expression on his face imaginable, the man growled, "I wouldn't THINK of eating something that came out of an animal's mouth!!"
"Yes, sir," the undaunted waiter said; "Would you like a menu, then?"
To which the finicky guy responded, "Oh, no-just give me a fried egg sandwich please.

____________________

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."

___________________

Skinny Dipping
Two boys were skinny dippin and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked "How did ya get it that big?" The other boy responded "Well I rub it down every night with lard."
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made with no results. The first boy said "I did what ya told me. Every night I have rubbed it down with Crisco."
The other boy exclaimed "Well, no wonder, ... that's shortening."

__________________

A blonde walked into the doctors office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound!

The blonde said, "Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, and first stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don't want to ruin it, so I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don't want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don't want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud....."

___________________

The Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky recently went to a plastic surgeon. Stung by all the jokes about being overweight, she was thinking about having her love handles removed. However, she decided not to go through with it after the doctor told her that removing both ears would cause complete and total deafness.

___________________

The maitre d' of a fashionable restaurant looked up and saw three little girls standing in the waiting area.

They were dressed in their mother's clothes, had on high-heeled shoes and were wearing lots of make-up.

The lunch crowd hadn't started to arrive yet so he decided to treat them like regular guests just to see what they were up to.

He seated them at a table and asked what they would like to order. The first little girl ordered a martini, the second one asked for a margarita and the third one said,

"I'd like to have a douche...my mother says they're very refreshing.

___________________

The Onion

Perky "Canada" Has Own Government, Laws

It's Monday morning, and Toronto resident Steve Dorman shares a quick breakfast of "eggs" (a native food) with his "wife" (an officially state-sanctioned mate), and discusses yesterday's poor showing by the hometown team in "baseball" (a popular local sport). After a kiss on his wife's cheek, he hops on the "subway train" (a mode of subterranean transport) to the office.

This is life in exotic Canada City, the capital set deep in the heart of the mysterious land known as Canada (pronounced CAN-a-da).

Like his estimated 35,000,000 fellow countrymen, Dorman is proud to be a "Canadian." Located 120 miles north of Buffalo, NY, Canada is, according to Dorman, "a nation with a government and laws distinct from those of the United States." It also has a military, a system of taxation, and periodic free elections to select political leaders. It even has its own currency, says Dorman, various denominations of "dollars" that can be exchanged for the many products manufactured in Canada, including Canadian bacon and ice.

Canada City, Canada's largest community, is located in a place called a "province," a subdivision not unlike the cantons of Switzerland. There are 10 Canadian provinces in all, from Nova Scotia in the east to British Columbia in the west. And, much like America's states, nearly every one of the provinces has its own capital. But make no mistake--there's nothing provincial about these provinces. Canada has both feet planted firmly in the 20th century.

"In fact, Canadians enjoy advancements such as refrigerated food, zippers and printing," notes Dorman, an "accountant" who goes to work wearing the comfortable trousers, dress shirt and necktie that form a traditional Canadian costume. "Our industries are large and varied, ranging from logging to automobile manufacturing."

Not too shabby for a nation that just 240 years ago had no electricity.

One area in which Canada certainly has the U.S. beat is languages. Canadians speak not only English, but also French. In fact, according to Prime Minister (roughly Canada's equivalent of a president) Jean Chrétien, "French is the primary language in some parts of the country, and English is in others. The national language question has divided our nation terribly, with Quebec even recently threatening to leave the union."

Canada has produced many prominent people who have gone on to great success in hockey. Among them is Colorado Avalanche goaltender Patrick Roy, who says hockey is the "national sport" of the Canadianers.

"It's in our blood, it's part of our heritage, and it brings people together," he says of the sport Canada picked up from America in the late '50s. So appreciative is Canada, it even has hockey teams called the "Oilers" and "Jets," named after its favorite American football teams.

Despite the language problem and other difficulties, at least one Canadianer is optimistic about his country's prospects in the new millennium.

"Canada will remain free, proud and strong in the new century," says Dorman, heading off for another day of what in Canada is known as "work." "Our nation will continue to be a beacon to those throughout the world who value liberty, dignity and human rights."

Aww, isn't that cute? At times like this, there's really only one thing left to say: Oh, Canada!

This feature has been provided by the Knight-Ridder news service.

Did You Know?

...that Canada is known as the "Maple Leaf State"?
...that in Canadian Units, Canada is actually a larger land mass than the U.S.?
...that murder is illegal in Canada?
...that the province of Saskatchewan was mentioned in a song in The Muppet Movie?
...that the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA) also mentions Canada in several clauses?
...that Canadians have evolved with a fully functioning pancreas?

___________________

Hey Martha

Tuesday, November 18, 1997

Sack promo causes pizza panic

PIKESVILLE, Md. (AP) -- A Pizza Hut promotion that promised a dollar off for every sack by the Baltimore Ravens caused pandemonium at outlets Monday, a day after the team's defence racked up nine sacks against Philadelphia.

An exasperated Leonard Levy said he gave up after waiting for 2 1/2 hours at the Pikesville outlet.

"I came up for the $9 off, when I got here you could at least still walk in the door," Levy said. "It's a good deal, but I can go home and get something to eat."

The Ravens defence, which has been anemic at times this year, sacked Philadelphia quarterback Bobby Hoying nine times Sunday, dropping the cost of a plain large pizza to $1.69.

In Bel Air, a three-block wait was reported. In Owings Mills, customers were reporting two- to three-hour waits. Demand was so great at the Pikesville store, the outlet ran out of large boxes.

Mike Healy of Pikesville said he waited for 3 1/2 hours.

"This is crazy," Healy said. "I had more fun today waiting for my pizza than I did at the Ravens game."

Owings Mills resident Larry Getlan said he went to the Owings Mills franchise, where he was told there would be a three-hour wait and decided to go to the Pikesville outlet.

When Getlan arrived, however, the Pikesville store had stopped taking orders.

Getlan said he thought about offering a customer $5 for their pizza, but decided against it.

"It's a great deal, you just can't beat that price," Getlan said.