Clintons At The Gas Station

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begin's to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window.
"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks.
They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves. As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.
Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."

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Garden Frog

In Swansea, Massachusetts, a 15-pound concrete garden frog that disappeared from John and Gert Knight's back yard in April was returned on Monday by a limousine driver.
When the frog disappeared, a letter was left that said it just needed to get away from the grind of garden life, but would be home for the holidays. The Knights received postcards and snapshots of the frog in places that included New York, Venice, Indonesia and Venezuela.
The limousine driver said he was given instructions to deliver the frog safely to its home, but denied being involved in the abduction.

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Very faaast!"
Outside of the Manila Hotel, a Japanese tourist gets in a cab and tells the driver to drive him to the airport.
On their way, a car zoomed by and the Japanese goes "Aaah Toyota, made in Japan...very faaast!". And then another car zooms by and the Japanese goes "Aaah Nissan, made in Japan...very faaast!" And then another, "Aaah Mitsubishi, made in Japan...very faaast!"
By this time the Pinoy cabbie's getting tired of his passenger's nationalistic pride. Upon arriving at the airport the cabbie tells his passenger "400 pesos please."
The Japanese goes "400 pesos? It's not that far from the hotel!"
The cabbie's reply: "Aaah, taxi meter, made in Japan....very faaast!"

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Sea Food
One day a blonde went to a sea food restaurant and saw the tank where they kept the lobsters.
She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went to the woods to set the poor animals free.

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Ah! Lovely Snow! (a different version)

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the nasty stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Blasted snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of that white mess fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to use the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, went and dressed again I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his fingernails. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the messy slop tonight. Snowed in! The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Gee, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to scream.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.
December 28: Warmed up to above - 50. Still snowed in. That woman is driving me crazy!!!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

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The Onion

NYC Conservationists Decry Destruction Of Rat Habitats

NEW YORK--Calling recent urban renewal efforts "a grave threat to the city's fragile rat population," a group of New York City conservationists called for an end to the destruction of rat habitats Monday.

"The redevelopment of run-down, abandoned buildings in Times Square drove more than 240,000 rats from their natural habitats in 1997," Rat Foundation director Mary Brinn said.

In an effort to save the species, the Rat Foundation is demanding that eight city sewer lines be set aside as federally protected rat preserves.

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Hey Martha

Tuesday, October 21, 1997

Singapore flushed with victory after war against dirty toilets

SINGAPORE (AP) -- The Singapore government is flushed with victory, so to speak, declaring Tuesday that it has won the latest war to toilet train a nation accustomed to dirty public facilities.

In a news release called "toilet alert," the Environment Ministry said the current publicity drive to clean up public lavatories is receiving "overwhelming public support."

In the week since the campaign was launched, 5,000 Singaporeans called the Clean Public Toilets hotline to identify "model" toilets and to vote for their favorites.

The drive includes a poster competition and a "People's Choice Award" for toilets in five categories: food center/market, shopping center, bus terminal/subway station, coffee shop and park/beach.

Various prizes are offered, including return air fare to Hong Kong.

"We had not anticipated this level of support. It is a good start to promoting awareness of clean public toilets," said a ministry spokesman.

Seemingly obsessed with toilet training the public, officials first imposed fines on those who failed to flush after using public bathrooms in 1989.

First-time offenders may be fined as much as $97, and repeat offenders face fines of up to $649. Building owners with public lavatories were ordered to equip them with amenities like toilet paper, soap and clean towels. Violators face the same scale of fines as wanton non-flushers.

Singapore faces another battle for the bathroom bowl -- this one, against people who relieve themselves in elevators.

As such, elevators in some apartment buildings have been equipped with a sophisticated monitoring system. Sensors activated by the high salt content in urine stop the elevator, activate a video camera hidden in the ceiling and alert the janitor.

Trapped transgressors are left with no recourse but to await rescuers, who turn them over to the police.

Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong last year urged his people to regard clean public toilets as one of two facets in establishing a more gracious society.

The other is developing an appreciation of music.