Courtesy of Terry in Kuwait

Toy Story

The owner of an Adult Book store / Toy Store was called away for an emergency and had to leave the store in the hands of a new employee.

Pretty soon a white woman walks into the store and asks, "Do you have any dildos?" The employee says, "Well, we got these white ones her for $10 and these black ones for $15." The woman says, "OK, I'll take the black one." She pays and leaves.

Pretty soon a black lady comes in the store and asks, "Do you have any dildos?" The employee says, "Well, we got these black ones for $10 and these white ones for $15." The woman says, "OK, I'll take the white one."

After a while an Indian woman walks into the store and asks, "Do you have any dildos?" The employee says, "Well we got these white ones for $10 and these black ones for $15." The Indian woman says, "What about this one here?" The employee says, "Oh, that's our super delux model and that's for $25." The Indian woman says, "OK, I'll take the super delux model."

After a while the store owner returns and asks the employee, "So, how'd it go? Any problems?" The employee says, "Well, I sold a white lady a black dildo for $15, a black lady a white dildo for $15 and I sold and Indian lady your thermos for $25."

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Old Joe

Randy worked for LM installing radars far up on the Canadian Dew Line.

Every 3 months Randy got a couple days R&R at the closest 1 horse town. Randy goes into the local bar and asks the bartender, "Do you got any women to screw here?" The bartender says, "No, but we got Old Joe over there." Randy says, "No way, I don't do that shit!"

3 months go by and Randy's back in the same 1 horse town and asks the bartender, "Did you get any women here to screw yet?" The bartender says, "No, But we got Old Joe over there." Randy says, "Look, I don't do that shit!"

Randy goes back to work and 3 months later is back in the same 1 horse town. After a few drinks Randy asks the bartender, "You got any women here to screw yet?" The bartender says, "No, but we still got old Joe over there." Randy thinks for a while and finally says, "OK, how much to screw old Joe?" The bartender says, "Well, that'll be $10 for old Joe and $10 each for those two guys." Randy says, "Why do I have to pay those 2 guys?" Bartender says, "They're here to hold down Old Joe, cause Old Joe don't do that shit either."

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My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. When he told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

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A father was explaining the facts of life to his son. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of love-making:

Father: One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different things during the act, even if you are doing the same thing.

Son: What do you mean, Dad?

F: Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?"

S: What do other women say?

F: Well, a school teacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."

S: I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over."

F: That's male nurses. Moving on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

S: And what does mother say?

F: She says, "Beige... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

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An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with me." "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "do you drink much?"

"Alcohol?" said the man. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

"How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

"Never," replied the man. "Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it." "Well, uh." asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

"Oh, no," said the man. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every night...always have been."

The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, "Well, do you have pains in your head?"

"Yes," said the man. "I have terrible pains in my head."

"O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too tight!!

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Hey Martha

Friday, October 03, 1997

Israeli rabbi says wig-wearing women should burn in hell

JERUSALEM (AP) -- One of Israel's most powerful rabbis has ruled that women who wear wigs will be damned.

"Both she and her wig will be burned in hell," Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, spiritual leader of the Shas political party, said in a sermon Saturday to Jewish male seminary students.

According to Orthodox Jewish religious practice, married women cover their hair as a sign of modesty. However, many Orthodox Jews believe that realistic wigs are immodest, and some wig shops catering to Orthodox women have been vandalized.

Yosef said that if a woman wears a wig into a synagogue, she and her husband should be excommunicated.

"How can she pray on Rosh Hashanah when she wears a wig?" Yosef said, referring to the Jewish New Year which begins Wednesday night. "If the woman wishes for righteous children, let her remove the wig, if not she shall have impertinent children."

Yosef's word is law within Shas, a party drawing most of its support from religious Jews of North African descent.

In December 1996, the 76-year-old, Iraqi-born rabbi decreed that those not respecting the Sabbath should be put to death. He recently declared smoking a sin punishable by 40 lashes.