Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go." "Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine."
The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."
"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

_________________

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

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How They Do It

Accountants do it with Double Entry
Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
Ambulance drivers come quicker
Australians do it Down Under
Auto racers do it at pit stops
Bach did it using his organ
Bankers do it with interest
Bartenders do it on the Rocks
Batman does it using his Robin
Bookeepers do it for the record
Bosses delegate the task to others
Butchers do it with a big fat thumb
Cement workers do it with their crack showing
Chess players check their Mates
Christians do it faithfully
Climbers do it from up on top
Cops do it with handcuffs
Dancers do it step-by-step
DJs do it on request
Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentist do it orally
Detectives do it under cover
Divers do it deeper
Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
Electricians do it without shorts
Elevator men do it up and down
Engineers do it to specifications
Firemen do it with a big hose
Fisherman do it with a hook
Frank Sinatra did it his way
Garbagemen come twice a week
Gardeners do it in the bush
Gas attendants Pump all day
Golfers do it in 18 holes
Jeep owners do it an all fours
Landlords do it every 1st of the month
Lots of folks are doing it online nowadays
Managers make others do it
Marketing reps do it on commission
Marines do it with longshoremen
Mechanics do it from underneath
Movers do it in the box
Oil drillers do it with a long greasy shaft
Philosophers do it questionably
Physicists do it with high frequency
Piano players do it with both hands
Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
Preachers...the devil makes them do it
Programmers do it recursively
Receptionists do it on the front desk
Security guards do it all night long
Union workers do it with pride
Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
Writers do it by the book
Zoologists do it with animals

________________

In the midst of a blazing battle, an officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly on the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier and dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses?!?!?!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!!!"

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Definitions

Abdicate-v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Carcinoma-n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.

Esplanade-v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly-adj., impotent.

Flabbergasted-adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Negligent-adj., describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph-v., to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle-n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Bustard-n., a very rude Metrobus driver.

Coffee-n., a person who is coughed upon.

Flatulence-n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Internet-n., the web of interns in which Ken Starr has tried to snare Bill Clinton.

Balderdash-n., a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle-n., a humorous question on an exam.

Semantics-n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

Rectitude-n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Macadam-n., the first man on Earth, according to the Scottish bible.

Marionettes-n., residents of Washington who have been jerked around by the mayor.

Oyster-n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent-n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

________________

Hey Martha

Friday, October 03, 1997

Psychiatric patients get discount on brothel visits

MAASTRICHT, Netherlands (AP) -- Some psychiatric patients in the Netherlands are getting discounts to visit brothels as a way to reduce their sexual aggression.

The Vijverdal clinic has cut a deal with a local brothel, Club D'Amour, allowing patients to visit prostitutes for $37 instead of the regular $62. Four patients in this southern city already have taken advantage of the discount and were driven to the brothel from the clinic, the De Volkskrant newspaper reported Friday.

Outside experts dismissed the project. "It doesn't work," said W. van Ewijk, the director of another psychiatric clinic. "There are enough prostitutes in our society, but are the number of rapes declining as well?"

"You do not prevent abuse by sending men to a bordello," he told De Volkskrant.

The Health Ministry has distanced itself from the program. "It's a private initiative," said ministry spokesman Dick van Vliet, adding that the national health insurance program does not pay for the visits.

The Vijverdal clinic would not comment on their policy.