Redneck Dating Guide
1. Do not enter your date in a female mud-wrestling contest without asking her permission.
2. Do not refer to your hunting dog as "the other woman in your life".
3. Do not mention your UFO abduction experiences until at least the third date.
4. Do not expect a woman wearing a dress to be happy about climbing into a truck with tires that are taller than she is. Be sure to warn her to wear jeans.
5. Your favorite faded Dukes of Hazard t-shirt should be saved for the fifth date or later, unless of course, it's the only clean shirt you have.
6. If the woman drives, never, ever try to get away with spitting tobacco down the side of your seat on the hope that she won't notice. She's not like your slobbering fishing buddies, so you must always roll down your window when you need to spit.
7. Never compare her figure to that of a Coors can, even if you're trying to tell her that she's real sleek.
8. Deep Woods Off! is not a substitute for deodorant.
9. Never tell a woman straight out that you can't have her name tatooed on you because your Mom, who is so proud of your bicep bearing her name, would be psychotically jealous.
10. Do not invite a woman to go cow-tipping if she's wearing high heels.
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It isn't what it sounds like
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs ?" she asked.
"Yeth." lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
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How Did You Break Your Arm???
Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the damdest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So how'd you break your arm?"
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Stationery
While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked "Do you keep stationery ?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can ... until the last few minutes, then I just go plain wild."
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Ma and Pa are sitting on the front porch swing, rocking.
Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Again, a minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
Another minute goes by, and Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
Yet another minute goes by, and Pa says to Ma, "Screw you Ma."
A minute later, Ma says to Pa, "Screw you Pa."
A couple of minutes go by, and Pa says to Ma, "I don't know about you Ma, but I just don't get too much out of this oral sex stuff!"
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COLLEGE FOOTBALL
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.
"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.
"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"
The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
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Remember, during this Ramadan - always give 100% at work:
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday
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Classic Quotes
1) Ho, ho, ho! I hope Mrs. Clause doesn’t know.
--- Santa Clause & the Ho
2) Three failures and a fire make a Scotsman’s fortune.
---- Old Scottish saying.
3) A critic is a man who knows the way, but can’t drive the car.
--- Kenneth Tynan.
4) A jury consist of twelve people who decide who has the better lawyer.
--- Robert Frost
5) A genius is anyone who can do anything, except make a living.
--- Joey Adams
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Hey Martha
Wednesday, October 08, 1997
Not your average outhouse
DELAWARE WATER GAP, Pa. (AP) -- Hikers who feel nature calling can find relief in a two-hole outhouse that cost the federal government more than $333,000 US.
The lavish trailside bathrooms feature a slate, gabled roof, cedar clapboard siding, cottage-style porches and a cobblestone foundation that can withstand an earthquake. The outhouse is without running water and isn't open in winter.
"It's a Taj Mahal," Representative Joseph M. McDade (R -- Pa.) told The Philadelphia Inquirer in today's edition. McDade, whose district includes the park, initially thought the small stone house was a restored cottage. The bathrooms cost between $333,000 and $445,000, based on different estimates from the contractor and National Park Service officials. The agency spent about $102,000 on planning and design, $81,000 for an on-site engineer and $150,000 to $262,000 for construction.
"We could have built it cheaper, yes, but we wanted someone coming up the trail or off the road to encounter a nice restroom facility," park superintendent Roger Rector said. More than a dozen park service designers worked on the bathrooms, which opened in May 1996 in Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area, 15 kilometres north of Philadelphia.
The baseboards in each restroom are painted with $78-a-can, custom-mixed epoxy resin that matches the surrounding hemlock evergreen woods. Wildflowers planted around the foundation are certified Joe Pye Weed Seed and cost about $720 for half a kilogram. The toilets are $13,000 state-of-the-art composting models that eliminate water-quality problems. The capstone porch railings are made of quarried Indiana limestone, and the quake-proof foundation includes 74-centimetre thick walls.