Another one for the ladies.....

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee

It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees

You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl

Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the fuck's he gonna cum

Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.

________________

DON'T BURN YOURSELF!

A seven year-old turns up in his classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher:

Teacher: Good morning, Tommy. And why weren't you in school yesterday?

Tommy: Well, Miss, you see, my Granddad got burnt.

Teacher: Oh, dear. He wasn't burned too badly, I hope?

Tommy: Oh yes, Miss, they don't mess around at those crematoriums.

_______________

Camping Information

If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer, please note the following public service announcement:

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears.

Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Kodiak/brown bears. One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings. Those are the droppings that contain those tiny bells.

______________

Bras

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tell the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"

The clerk responds "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole hills."

______________

aMEWsing Bumper Snickers >^,,^<

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

All generalizations are false.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

Born free...Taxed to death.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

Driver carries no cash. He's married

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

He who hesitates is probably right.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Hit me, I need the money!

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

HUG A LOGGER--you'll never go back to trees

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I brake for no apparent reason.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken..

i souport publik edekashun.

I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

I'm happily married - but my wife isn't.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

It wasn't actually a divorce - I was traded.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No radio - Already stolen.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

Rehab is for quitters.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

SUPPORT BINGO--keep Grandma off the streets

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

________________

Thursday, October 02, 1997

Finishing School For Boys Who Want To Be Girls

NEW YORK (AP) -- When the other shoe drops in Paulette Powell's $100,000 lawsuit, it could well be a red stiletto pump with 4-inch heels. Powell, 31, is suing former business partner, Veronica Vera, for money she says Vera wrongfully took from their cross-dressing academy, "Miss Vera's Finishing School For Boys Who Want To Be Girls."

The two women began the school in 1990 after a man wrote to Vera (a columnist for the men's magazine Adam) with his fondest wish: to spend a weekend in New York as a woman.

Powell, a makeup artist and actress from Tuscaloosa, Ala., contributed her skills with makeup, hair styling and fashion. They charged up to $10,000 for a fantasy weekend -- shopping at exclusive women's stores, a ladies lunch at a fancy restaurant and lots of girl talk.

Cross dressing, Vera said, allows men to get in touch with their femininity "because the clothing gives them access to these feelings of Venus envy. For every woman who burned her bra, there is a man ready to wear one."

Powell said Vera, 50, dumped her as a partner and threatened to deny her recognition for her work at the academy. Neither Vera nor her lawyer, Marilyn Haft, could be reached for comment.