During camouflage training at army boot camp, a private disguised as a tree made a sudden move and was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And, I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches."

He continued, "But, when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger one say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' - that did it."

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The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race, realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day, they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won, would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and, after five years, came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans, because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

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An Emergency Medical Technician worked on an ambulance in Trenton for a few years. One of the places that he was frequently called to was a nursing home in town. He was in there so much, that he got to know the staff and even some of the patients pretty well - especially Phil.

Phil was in fairly good shape, but just a little too old to live alone and take care of himself. Over time, he got to know some of some faces, including the EMT's and would always say hello when he saw him coming down the hall.

One day, as he was picking up a patient, he saw Phil walking down the hall with a really depressed look on his face. The EMT asked him, "What's the matter Phil?" Phil's response was, "My dick died." He said, "What?" His response once again was, "My dick died." He was in a hurry and didn't have time to chat about it, so he just said, "I'm was sorry to hear it," and kept going.

A few days later, the EMT was back in the nursing home again for another patient, when he saw Phil walking down the hall. He noticed that he was "exposed." The EMT said, "Do you feel a draft Phil?" He just looked puzzled and said, "What?" The EMT leaned over, so as not to embarrass him, and said, "Phil, your penis is hanging out of your pajamas."

He looked at the EMT and said, "Well, I told you my dick died right?"

The EMT said, "Yeah."

His response, "Well, today's the viewing."