One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything.

So he starts creeping across the lawn again. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house.

He says to the parrot "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did".

So the burglar says "What's your name?" The parrot says"Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
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Three guys were getting ready to tee off when the starter stopped them and asked them if they would take a fourth. After seeing who the fourth was a beautiful blonde with long legs, they all agreed to let her join the group.

As they approached the first tee, the blonde told the golfers, "I'm not very good at golf. I'd appreciate it if you would be patient with me." "No problem!" said all three golfers.

On the first tee, the blonde hit a nice drive down the center of the fairway. On her second shot, she was on the green. All four golfers approached the green and the blonde said, "I have never gotten a birdie in my life. If one you gentlemen can help me sink this putt, I will perform oral sex on the gentlmen who helps me."

The first guy steps up and said, "The putt will break six inches to the right." The second guy steps up and said, "No, no four inches to the left."

The third guys said, "Ah, just pick it up, it's a gimme."

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There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing."

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

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