After marrying a young beautiful girl, a ninety year old man told his doctor that they were expecting a child.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor. "There was an absent minded fellow who went hunting one day, and instead of taking a gun, brought his umbrella. Before he realized his error, a bear charged him. He aimed his umbrella at the bear, shot and killed him on the spot."

"That`s impossible!", the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear!"

"Exactly!", replied the doctor.
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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I`ll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as
well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

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An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I`ve seen."

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn`t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn`t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned.

"You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn`t say anything else, but when the old man`s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.

"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband`s in fine physical shape but I`m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He what?" she cried.

"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he`s the one who`s been pissing in the refrigerator!"