A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just
walked in the door."

This guy went shopping on a Saturday afternoon downtown and about six when the shops were starting to close, he decided he'd go into a pub to have one drink before he went home.

He went into this pub, sat down and ordered his drink, but he was gobsmacked when he looked around him; everything seemed to made of gold, the counter top, the ashtrays, the mirrors behind the bar, the footbar he had his feet on, even his drink when it came, it had a pure gold rim around the glass! He couldn't get over it! So he had another drink while he looked around him, and another drink, and another, and another, and another, and another, and another. He got quite plastered.

Eventually he arrived home about 4am, where his wife was waiting for him with the proverbial rolling pin. He explained how he had been so taken aback by so much gold everywhere that he had to stay and have another drink and another etc, and he related about the gold mirrors, the gold bar, the gold handrails, the gold footbar, the gold ashtrays. He even explained that they had GOLD URINALS!! His wife wasn't having any of that so she said in the morning he could ring up the bar to show he wasn't having her on.

Next morning he tried to ring up the pub but he just couldn't remember what it was called, so he went looking through the phone directory but he still couldn't recall the name. His wife came on the scene then and suggested he start ringing up every pub in the book to ask them if they had all gold everywhere. She still didn't believe him you see. Would you?

Fifty phone calls later. the guy who answers the phone says yes they have gold glasses, a gold countertop etc., etc., His wife grabs the phone from her husband and shouts into the phone "I suppose you have gold urinals too!" She hears him shout down the bar "LOUIS, LOUIS, I've found the guy who pissed into your sax last night!"

A new doctor in town meets his first patient one morning. Being a total smart arse, he tries to guess what is wrong with him by asking him to describe his day to him.

"Well, I wake up about 6:30 every morning and give my wife a quick shag before work, go to work, have a shag at lunch time, go back to work, wife comes in and gives me a shag secretly under my desk, then home for another shag, before tea and after tea, after my evening stroll, and just before Match of the Day, and then an all night long love session on our king size bed."

Doctor: Well I can't see anything wrong with that! Nope, you're going to have to tell me, what's wrong then?

Bloke: Well it hurts when I have a wank!