News Headlines
These came from the columnist Bill Mandel of the San Francisco Examiner.
They are his collection of favorite headlines of 1992.
The 1982 National Father's Day Association's Father of the Year went to
jail for failing to pay child support.
Joseph Hazelwood, captain of the ill-fated oil tanker Exxon Valdez, was
hired by New York Maritime College to teach students how to stand watch on
a tanker's bridge.
New York City authorities wired more than 200 bushes in a public park with
burglar alarms.
A young couple trading oral sex on a British train continued their frolic
when a family entered the compartment and sat down. Then the amorous pair
performed "full sexual intercourse" in front of passengers who boarded
latter. It wasn't until the lovers lit up post-coital cigarettes that
witnesses admonished them and rang for the conductor.
Scientists found that watching television sitting up burns 15 percent fewer
calories than simply lying in bed.
A color-bar test pattern on a Los Angeles television drew higher ratings
than two competing stations' 10 p.m. newscasts.
A San Francisco man walked through a plate-glass storefront trying to board
the cable car he saw reflected in the shiny window.
Sonoma County viewers who'd paid $30 to see a Madison Square Garden tribute
to Bob Dylan on cable TV had their Dylanfest interrupted by 90 minutes of
soft-core porn. Only one complained.
A San Francisco man dressed as Mickey Mouse on Halloween was beaten on the
street by a man who threatened to kill the would-be rodent "if I catch you
dressed up like Mickey again."
[who said Californian's were strange?]
A government worker in the Philippines who is a hermaphrodite (both male
and female sex organs), became pregnant but was denied maternity leave
because he's legally a man.
Man of God and serious Republican presidential aspirant Pat Robertson said
the Equal Rights Amendment "encourages women to leave their husbands, kill
their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become
lesbians."
Speaking of the federal deficit, U.S. Senator Dennis DeConcini said: "We're
going to wrassle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is out of
control." [yes, that is the actual spelling]
San Francisco police served a jaywalking ticket on a comatose man
hospitalized in an intensive care unit. An investigation revealed the man,
not the motorist who hit him, was at fault in the accident.
One of the men arrested for looting in the L.A. riots is a $3 million Lotto
winner who receives $120,000 a year from the state.
A woman in Royal Oak, Mich., was arrested, handcuffed, and jailed for
putting her garbage cans out too early.
A lawyer defended himself against charges of microwaving his
ex-girlfriend's kitten by saying he'd put the cat in the oven to keep it
out of his way.
A Los Angeles man on trial for harassing ice skater Katarina Witt demanded
a jury of nymphomaniacs, atheists and agnostics to compose "a jury of his
peers."
A Pennsylvania judge resigned after promising leniency to a defendant if he
could shampoo the man's hair.
A Florida wedding reception was interrupted when the bride threw macaroni
salad at the groom and he responded with gunfire.
An off-duty Oklahoma city police officer ran from the stands at a high
school basketball game and arrested an official who, the cop claimed, was
not calling enough fouls against the visiting team.
[and, not to be outdone for team spirit]
Mississippi State football coach Jackie Sherrill defended the castration of
a bull in front of his football team (which was about to play the Texas
Longhorns) as "motivational and educational."
A Chicago high school teacher punished truants by making them listen to
Frank Sinatra records.
The CIA classified as "secret" the report of its Openness Task Force.
Investigators probing Sears auto repair departments found that several cars
taken in for brake repair came out with no brakes at all.