A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk
to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see
my house all the way up the hill".
The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked
man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the
man, and looks at his house.
Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you the scope for nothing if you
take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look
through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot".
These are real classified advertisements from newspapers...
ANIMALS
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.
Lost: Beagle, partly blind, hard of hearing, castrated; answers to the name
of Lucky.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
For Sale: Great Dames.
Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.
Pit Bull For Sale: Owner deceased.
For Sale, three canaries of undermined sex.
FROM THE KITCHEN
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh
vegetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to
your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Dinner Special - Chicken or Beef $2.25; Turkey $2.35; Children $2.00
ANTIQUES
For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old, Perfect for antique lover.
VACATION
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin. Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.
Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.
WANTED
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month; References required.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and
Blue Cross.
Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool; Experience preferred.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business and be
willing to get hands dirty.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Wanted: Haircutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work;
know how to cook; must own tractor - send photo of tractor.
MISCELLANEOUS
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.
Ears pierced - while you wait!
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and
Gardens.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair,
rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the
owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
anywhere again.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
RADIO SPOTS:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle
with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the
Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Illiterate? Write for free information.