Once there was a Millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large SPLASH! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?

The guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!

Some old Soviet jokes:

The five rules of Socialism:
1. Don't think
2. If you do think, don't speak
3. If you think and speak, don't write
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised

Why do Soviet policemen always patrol in groups of three, as in
fact they often do?
One of them knows how to read, one knows how to add, while the
third is there to observe the two suspected intellectuals.

An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He
sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the
fellow if he knows the correct time.
"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and
looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb.
13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure
stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the
watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is
told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."
"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."
"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases,
"but these batteries are still a little heavy."

Small boy: They were telling us at school about the difference
between Socialism and Communism. How will we know when
Socialism has been achieved, and we are in the state of
true Communism.
Mother: When every family has a private plane.
Small buy: Wow! And what will we use ours for?
Mother: I was thinking if flying down to Kiev to see if
they have any butter this week.

Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist
in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor
AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after
seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that
doesn't work, why then he can go to the opthalmologist. So a month later
(Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureacracy) he is shown to the
doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't
connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear
what I see!
At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and
prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
"Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."

A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car. He sits down
with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options.
The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years. The man wants to
know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon. The car dealer
is a bit surprised, "Why do you care? It's ten years away." "Well the plumber
is coming in the morning."

Do you know that it is very easy for a Jew to join the KGB? Yes, he
only needs three recommendations from Arabs.

Seems that there was an auto race with just two entrants: An American car,
and a Soviet car. The American won. The Soviet press announced the
results this way: "The Soviet car came in second. The American car came
in next to the last."

Why do they have a rear window defroster on the Yugo?
So your hands stay warm while you're pushing it.