Random one-liners

Never wrestle a pig.
You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

Texans are living proof that Indians screwed buffaloes.

This year, World Standards Day was October 14.
In the US, the day was marked on October 11.
-Annals of Improbable Research

What's the ultimate rejection?
- Masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Confusius say: He who smoke pot, choke on handle.

Confusius say: "He who drop watch in toilet, have shitty time."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, there was a tap at the window...
...What a silly place to put a tap.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted... and rode off.

The box said "Requires Windows 95, or better." So, I bought a Macintosh.

You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

I fell sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's as good as they're gonna feel all day.

The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.